As I hang drying

From Novelty: and other stories

This story is from my collection of short stories, which you can buy here

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BELCH RESTAURANT REVIEW APP. Porzio’s Restaurant and Salami Shop. Average Rating: 4.5 stars.

Mike H. 5 Stars

One fine day I popped into this hidden little gem. Wow, was I in for a treat! I had no idea our humble little city was home to such culinary delights.

Porzio’s has it all. From what I can tell, they are divided into three different sections. They have a full sit-down restaurant, a grocery, and then a separate section for salami. I have to admit it was a little confusing at first, because I just wanted a sandwich and didn’t know where to go or how to order, but the employees were all so friendly and helpful, they cleared it right up for me. I must have looked like a real idiot wandering around, but they were not rude about it at all.

I’m pretty sure I talked to the owner, but it was all such a blur and I’m not sure if I remember his name. It could have been Porzio himself! A very large and very friendly bald man with a mustache talked to me for about twenty minutes. He was very eager to let me know that everything was made in house and that all the salami was cured in a special fridge in the back of the store. He made it sound so good and he was very passionate about his work.

I sat down in the restaurant and I couldn’t help but notice how clean and sleek everything was. The menu was a little intimidating and they went into a lot of detail on the dishes. But I went with what I knew and got a pastrami on rye. The food came out fast. Holy moly that sandwich was so good. The meat was so tender and delicious and they used a house made thousand island sauce. And the house cut fries. I think they used their own lard, too.

After stuffing myself I didn’t feel like shopping for groceries, but I’ll be stopping by again sometime soon to pick up some salami and sauces. I can’t recommend this place enough. Five stars.

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Sophie P. 5 Stars

My girlfriends and I had talked about coming here for weeks. We heard the brunch was amazing. Last Sunday morning we were all a little hungover, to say the least, and we dragged ourselves to this charming spot in a neighborhood that is really up and coming. I’ve heard that the stabbings have gone down, so now is a good time to get in if you want to buy a house.

At first we went into the wrong part of the restaurant. It seemed more like a grocery store, with a lot of cases and coolers with fresh greens and meats. But the girl behind the counter was so nice and explained everything and before long we were seated. We were lucky to get the last big table because the place was filling up fast.

We started with a round of screwdrivers. They were boozy and we were having a great time. Our server was very informative. He had a story for every dish. The details were a little overwhelming but I’m sure you could learn everything you ever wanted to know about the food. We just wanted to get drunk and eat.

Two of the girls got the french toast with blueberry jam made from local blueberries. It looked so good and they said it was amazing. I got the chorizo skillet. It was so rich and creamy and delightful. Our other friend got the basic breakfast platter and it looked so good. We got another round or three of screwdrivers and watched the place get crazy busy. These guys are killing it.

From the food to the service to the décor, this place does everything right. The girls and I will definitely be back for another brunch. The grocery looks like it has a ton of options but we were all ready to go back home and watch some tv and pass out. Check this place out when you get the chance. Get here early for brunch or you’ll have to wait.

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Phil S. 5 stars

I am something of a salami connoisseur, an aficionado, if you will. Up until recently, I had been enduring the daily disappointment of living in a city without a world class salumeria. You can well imagine how pleased I was to discover a new market and restaurant opening in the old appliance district, which, before that, was a theater district and I believe a jazz alley as well. From what I hear, the area has undergone something of a renaissance, with boutiques springing up and far fewer street beatings than in years past.

On an evening unencumbered by official duties or social obligation, I strolled unaccompanied to Porzio’s to gander at their goods. Now, I do believe that I blundered into the wrong portion of the establishment, for I seemed to be in a casual dining area, and I saw many plump guests sinking titanic sandwiches into their gastric depths. Alluring and intimidating as their meals were, I had an unwavering purpose: to sample the salami and purchase a stick or two if sufficiently impressed.

The elegant hostess was most helpful and directed me to my destination. Through a set of swinging doors I walked into a bounteous display of cured meats. I knew I had found my salami shangri-la.

The owner, sensing my appreciation for the craft, came out to greet me. We hit it off. I do believe that shared interests bridge the gaps of place, time, gender and race. But right off the bat, I had to put him to the test, and I can say with confidence that he passed. The man knows salami and loves it as I do. He regaled me with anecdotes. His knowledge of curing is surely up therewith the world’s finest salumists. I thought I knew a thing or two, but I would gladly put down good money to attend a course on curing if he were to teach it.

And then, for the centerpiece of my visit, the sample tour. I tried the sweet sopressatta. Balanced and mild, with an ever so subtle suggestion of garlic. I do believe I tasted red wine. Then the calabrese, with the perfect dose of calabrian pepper. Just spicy enough to light up the taste buds. Finally I tried finocchiona, which had an enchanting licorice taste, provided by the fennel, no doubt. I have noticed that many people overdo the fennel, but not our master, here. He told me that he has crafted every salami recipe. I bought a stick of each of the salamis I sampled.

I am not an easily impressed man. In fact, I resist giving compliments as a general rule. But I cannot resist admitting that my expectations were exceeded by a considerable degree. Tommy Porzio, my good man, you have found a customer for life. Maybe even a friend, I will say. Next time I visit, after what will no doubt be another stimulating chat with Tommy, I will sit down for a proper meal at his restaurant.

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Eliza M. 3 Stars

I have been hearing about this place and decided to check it out on my lunch break. Right off the bat, I walked up to the counter and tried to order one of their famous spank burgers and the woman at the register gave me an attitude. She was not nice at all. Apparently, I was in the wrong section and the restaurant was on the other side but they could have made things a little clearer.

When I finally figured everything out and sat down at a table, the server was nice enough and made up for the other woman. I ordered the burger and the fries. I don’t know if they had a problem in the kitchen or what but it took forever. I sat and waited for over twenty minutes and it was not that busy. Maybe because they’re still pretty new and they’re working out some of the kinks. When the food finally came the fries were really hot and I burned my mouth but I guess that was my fault. I can admit the food was tasty. The burger was juicy and the fries were crispy and they gave me a cup of house made ketchup, which I thought tasted a little funny but that wasn’t a big deal. All in all, I think they have some pretty good food but the initial experience rubbed me the wrong way. They could stand to simplify things a little.

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Rich A. 5 Stars

Have you ever eaten something that made you believe you could give up sex if you could keep eating that one thing? Before today I would have thought you were crazy for suggesting it. But right now, I’m here to tell you, if I could eat at this restaurant every day, I wouldn’t care if I ever got laid again. It’s that good. The service was excellent. The interior was a little hipsterish, but they don’t lay it on too heavy. They had a great selection of beer, too, with some selections from a few of the local breweries. Just get the Hog Heaven sandwich. I’m thinking about it right now and I think I might have to go back and get another one.

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Joe S. 2 stars

Frankly, I don’t get what everyone’s raving about. First of all, where do you go to order? It’s a very confusing place. I ended up in the women’s bathroom somehow. Sorry for whoever was in there. I’m not a creep. But speaking of creep, the owner gave off some very strange vibes. He’s this absolutely huge man with a shiny bald head and a waxed mustache. He watches you with these piercing dark eyes and it’s kind of scary.

I figured out how things work and sat down at the restaurant. Had a burger and it was nothing special. The ketchup tasted off. The whole place is just so over the top. I guess it’s what the kids are into these days but I’m just fine with a nice meal at a Bud Sampson’s, where the atmosphere is a little more down to earth. Color me old fashioned.

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Sandy L. 5 stars

My husband and I had such a great time here! What a hidden gem. We couldn’t believe the quality of the food. The meat is really different from what you get at other places. The staff is so friendly and knowledgeable too. My husband is hooked on the ham. He’s mentioned it every day since we went, and that was two weeks ago! It couldn’t have been a better date night. I’m sure we’ll go again soon.

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La’shwonda Q. 4 Stars

They got all kinds of meat and cheese. Friendly staff and a bunch of other grocery items too. The restaurant looked good, we just peeked our head in and it was busy. We walked out with some local maple syrup. We’ll be back to try the restaurant side.

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Buck B. 3.5 stars

Don’t get me wrong, the food here is delicious. And the staff is pretty knowledgeable. But they keep saying this neighborhood is getting better and I just want to remind everyone that three people have gone missing in the last three months and the last place they were seen was in the same two block zone of this restaurant. They just disappeared. It’s not a big story yet but keep your eyes open. Be careful if you’re out walking or jogging in this area, it does not seem safe. They keep saying that all the beatings with the wooden boards have gone down and there haven’t been any murders at all this year, but that’s just what we know about. I say you should go as early as you can on a nice bright day and watch out. Oh and if you like salami make sure you get the calabrese, it’s got just the right amount of heat.

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Sam N. 5 stars

I’m getting on in years and my kids are all grown up and on their own now, and so one of my favorite ways to kill time is to check out the all the new shops and restaurants. Seems like every week there’s a new place to go. It keeps an old man busy. Biggest mistake I ever made was retiring early, but Industrial Analytics won’t take me back, they just hire young people now. You work your whole life looking forward to retiring and then you have too much time on your hands. But that’s another story.

I’ve been meaning to try this little gem for a while and I’m glad I did. I went on a Tuesday evening and my first impression was that the staff was very friendly. They directed me to a table even though I believe I wandered into the wrong area at first. Afterwards I was able to see that they have several strongly worded signs out front with flashing arrows but I sure didn’t see them when I first came in. I’d recommend one or two more signs or maybe a recording or a video that’ll get people’s attention.

I looked over the menu and asked the server a few questions and she was very knowledgeable about all the meats and how they’re prepared. Seems they do just about everything inside the shop. She said they even do whole animal butchering in the back. Not many places like that anymore, I was impressed. I had a great uncle who was a butcher and that’s a lot of work from what I can remember.

I ordered their signature cold cut sandwich, which is a whopping five meats and two cheeses, piled real high, with a house made dressing and local lettuce. It’s got some serious flavor. I could barely fit it in my mouth. I think I can tell the difference with this meat being aged in house. Just something you can’t get anywhere else. I took my time and even though they were pretty busy, nobody rushed me out. I saw the owner chatting with a couple people and he seems like a guy who’s working hard and proud of his business. I might have to start a coffee shop or something like that and give myself something to do.

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Layla L. 1 star

I didn’t even end up eating here because of the unpleasant experience I had on the grocery side of the store. Part of the problem is that I wanted to order takeout from the restaurant but I couldn’t tell where to go and I stood in the wrong line for like 10 minutes before I figured it out. Then this guy, who is supposed to be the owner I think, came out of some corner and, I’m not exaggerating, SCREAMED at one of the workers, something about not having enough olives. I don’t really know what it was about but it was in front of a bunch of customers and we all just looked at each other like “uhhhh” and I just walked out. Bizarre.

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Tad C. 5 stars

Tommy Porzio and the team bring consummate professionalism to our city’s burgeoning restaurant scene. Not even ten years ago they were calling this a crud town but things have changed so much in the last few years. I can’t believe it took me this long to make my way down to the old appliance district (they’ve really cleaned it up, I didn’t see a single person face down on the sidewalk) to experience this hidden little gem. I could not have been happier with the whole experience. From the get go, I felt whisked away on a magical ride through an old- world butcher shop. It was like I was in Italy, for real. I could practically hear the organ grinder.

The staff is very knowledgeable, they really know their stuff. I like good meat but I don’t mess with all the details. I’m more of a big picture guy. Well, I learned a couple things on my visit. I even had the owner Tommy hand cut a couple ribeyes for me. He was happy to do it, he pretty much insisted. He’s sort of intense but I appreciate the dedication to the craft, as well as his passion for excellent customer service. He held onto the ribeyes and I treated myself to a late afternoon meal over on the restaurant side. I had one of their spank burgers, but I made it a double and added an egg. You can tell there’s some extra love that goes into the meat. The flavors lingered in my mouth for hours.

I can see Porzio’s being a really fun place to take a lady on a nice date. Maybe if I ever get one again I’ll bring her here. (ha ha ha no really my number is 242-219-3497 no men please.)

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Aaeyden. 4.5 Stars
My partner and I loved it. Our other partner and their partners loved it too. We went in a group of seven and Porzio’s was more than happy to accommodate us. They moved a couple of tables around and everything was nice and comfortable. We felt safe and welcome the whole time. Now, three of us are vegans and two are vegetarians, so you might think there’d be no point in coming here, but that’s where you’re wrong. Porzio’s has awonderful selection of vegetarian and vegan entries. No one talks about it!

My partner and I had the FLT, which is for fakon (vegan bacon) lettuce and tomato. It was out of this world. Just delicious. The veganaise was creamy and tangy. Two of our other partners got a tofu hash scramble that looked and smelled incredible. Based on what they said, we will be getting that dish next time. And our two meat-eating partners said their sandwiches were fantastic. It looked like a lot of meat, if you can stomach that sort of thing.

I will admit, the salami section was not for me. I do not like to see dead animal flesh, especially when it’s hanging. Despite their barbaric practice of slaughtering sensitive living beings, Porzio’s is an inclusive place, and we will certainly return.

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Mack B. 3 stars

You guys know that the owner’s not Italian? His name isn’t Tommy Porzio, it’s Greg Landry. I mean, I get going for an aesthetic, and taking on the whole “old world” feel of a butcher shop in sicily or something, but that guy actually has people calling him a fake name. I just find it a little weird. His food is damn good, though, I’ll give him that. Try one of the sloppy dogs, and make sure you have plenty of napkins.

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Sharleen R. 5 stars

This place is unbelievable. Drop whatever you have in your hands and run down to Porzio’s right this instant. You have never had food this good. Everything is prepared and served with such skill and care. The knowledge that goes into the food is off the charts. I feel blessed to live in a city with such an up and coming restaurant scene. I have heard that we are getting more attention from some of the really big name food critics (can’t remember their names) and it’s thanks to places like Porzio’s. I have even read that chef Sam Silversting, a Jack Beardman award winner, is considering opening a restaurant here. That would really put us on the map.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The food at Porzio’s is too good. I came here with my boyfriend on a thursday night and we stayed for over two hours. I had the fall off the bone ribs, and I was falling out of my chair, they were that good. My boyfriend had the burger, which he made into a quadruple patty. They will stack it as high as you want. It looked amazing. The fries were just crunchy enough and everything tasted so fresh. I loved the local ingredients.

And I can’t forget the service. It was just wonderful. Tommy Porzio is a standout talent. He does it all. He butchers, handles the groceries, designs the dishes in the restaurant, and he cooks. He really maintains a presence. It’s a lot of fun to watch him running around everywhere. He talked to us for at least ten minutes, making sure we were having a good time and explaining his thought process on how he came to add certain ingredients. It was really informative and fun. Porzio’s is one of those things you can point to as a reason why you stay in the city. Having access to this talent and passion makes bearing the traffic and wafting sewage smells worth it.

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Buck B. 3.5 stars

I wanted to give an update on my previous review. Someone else disappeared while walking down Merton St not even two blocks from Porzio’s. I think the city is trying to keep it hush hush because they want this area to thrive with all the new restaurants and shops and those big apartment complexes they keep building. But something is going on. I really would keep an eye out. Don’t put in your headphones, stay aware.

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From the notebook of Tommy Porzio:

It’s funny. People say they believe in evolution. But they don’t know what it means.

The meaning of evolution is that humans are animals, and that there is nothing more than blind survival. Another way to say it is that everything dies for nothing.

Over a hundred years after Darwin and we’re still putting on this show about the sanctity of human life, as if we’re higher than the rest of the natural world.

Men fill their fat bellies with pigs, cows and chickens; they sleep soundly after having gorged on roasted flesh. Yet they shudder at the thought of a man being eaten, they consider it a great indignity.

The horror of a man turned into a meal when he is no better than a pig.

Men say they believe in evolution because they don’t want to be Christians. Their evolution is not about science or the truth, it is about denying religion.

They enjoy the convenience of not going to church, and the freedom to gratify their selfish impulses. But they still want the moral protection of religion. They still want to think they’re special.

I have not heard one convincing reason why morality should still apply to our post religious world, to a world determined by chemical reactions and physical forces. We know that consciousness is an accident, something that never needed to arise. The conscience is also a fluke. Everything we think about right and wrong is arbitrary.

And as followers of science, we accept this. We tell ourselves that intelligence and consciousness are imperfectly developed tools in a pointless struggle for existence. There’s no reason to live, no source of creation imbuing anything with value. There are only competing powers, temporary organizations of matter, lines of force, fluctuating fields of energy, relations among bodies moving at different speeds.
Nothing stands still, nothing endures. What you call a single person is a set of relations between many smaller bodies. What appears as one is a mixture of many, and when those many smaller parts no longer move and work together in the same way, the unity dissolves and the parts are assimilated by other mixtures.

So what makes a man different from a pig or a plant? He is a mix of bodies, a fleeting organization of matter. He has no soul. He has flesh and organs and bones and blood. Just like any other living thing. Just like any other living thing that we confine and slaughter.

Does anyone think pigs don’t have feelings? That they’re not aware of what is happening to them? That they feel no pain? We all know they do. But we also know that the pain doesn’t last that long. The terror is temporary. We can block it out. But the idea of treating people like livestock, of raising and fattening them and harvesting their organs, is more than our tender-hearted Darwinists can bear.

I think they should be taught to bear it. They should be made to understand that it’s not so different. We pride ourselves on our willingness to experiment, but I see so few experiments and so few experimenters. A man says he lives in a godless universe and what does he do? He jacks off or has an affair, and still feels uneasy.

I want to show what chaos entails. It’s not just a subtle sense that life is meaningless as you go about your normal working day. It’s not only making snide jokes about an impossible god.

It’s anything goes.